Growing up I was always a super timid and shy, quiet little girl. I never wanted to be the center of attention. I would turn absolutely beet red when I somehow became the center of attention for absolutely any reason. And I remember crying a lot. ( later I would realize these were signs of child anxiety that would later pour over into the rest of my life) I hated being anywhere besides home, I would cry if my parents left me anywhere and I hated having to talk to people I didn’t really know.
When I entered high school I was not confident really at all. I really just tried to keep to myself. People would tell me how beautiful my hair was, how smart I was, how passionate, and overall how beautiful I was and I never believed any of those words. I always replied with thank you, but…
This later leaked into a lot of other aspects of my life. I was never good enough at school, I was never a good enough dancer, I was never in the best shape of my life, I was never really that pretty, people thought I was bitchy, I was opinionated, and don’t even get me started about boys. All of my friends were so into boys and dating and I always always always hung back because I never felt like I was good enough.
For the longest time I was so convinced that if I was being anything other than humble, I would be arrogant. And arrogance just doesn’t vibe with me. I was so convinced that I needed to be so overly humble and play down the magic I had inside me.
This later leaked into the relationships I formed with friends and significant others. I remember having a toxic friendship that I didn’t know how to end because internally I felt like I deserved it somehow. I didn’t know that I deserved more and I should have that. My humility got in the way and made me really unhappy for a long time.
My humility kept me in a four year relationship with someone who didn’t really love me. I think I cried almost everyday of that relationship. It was my first real boyfriend and I was convinced that this is what I deserved. People told me constantly what a good girlfriend I was, how patient and understanding I was, and I’d reply with thanks but I never really believed them. I always downplayed my role in the relationship due to my sense of humility.
Looking back, I was a kick ass girlfriend for a guy that literally didn’t want to give me the time of day. I was so wonderful to him and he fed my insecurities and made me feel like I was somehow the one to blame for the downfall of the relationship. My expectations were too high, I expected too much, and I believed him because I didn’t have the confidence to ask for anything more.
This even bled into my friendships, my relationship with my family, and those closest to me. I never really wanted to be myself because I always felt like myself wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t be smart and intelligent and witty AND goofy and funny and weird.
That relationship ending was the best thing in the world for me. Over the past year and a half I have been able to gain back my confidence and realize you can have confidence and humility. You can be humble while still knowing your worth. You can express gratitude and still want more. The sky is the fucking limit.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of mindset work and I have realized that these beliefs have come from my childhood and we’re instilled in me for so long. I never really stood a chance until I decided to own my god damn power.
I’m here to change the world, love and serve, and be humble and confident all at the same time.
I am finally unlearning that and gaining my confidence back while also unlocking who I am really meant to be.
Confidence and humility go hand and hand but you should never let either take the reigns and control your life.